I haven’t used depth map shadows in forever. I know that you can soften up dmap shadows by increasing the filter size but the entire shadow will be uniformly softened unlike raytraced shadows that can get softer the further it gets from the point of contact between objects. Raytraced shadows are hands down the better option for realism and you’ve found that out with your reflections.

Are these your final anti alias settings? If not, then you may not need to increase the shadow rays on your lights. What were your render times like with dmap vs raytraced? Are you making an animation and what are your machine’s specs? And as Perfecto said, rendering can eat up time, you just have to decide on some trade-offs to balance quality with processing time. It’s not uncommon for realistic interior shots to take a couple hours.