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Old 10-02-2004, 10:49 PM   #16
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These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and ar things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Old 11-02-2004, 06:04 AM   #17
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One day Adam was walking a round in the Garden of Eden and realized that every animal had a loving Mate and wanted one for him self, so he asked God.

ADAM= God, for a while now I have been noticing that every Animal has a very loving and nurturing Mate, The Lion has a female who hunts for him and the Tiger has a mate that cleans him and makes him feel loved? So what do I need to do to get a Mate like that?

GOD= Well Adam A mate like that will cost you an Arm and a Leg.

ADAM=?.?.?.?.?.?.?Mmmm, Huu,,,, What can I get for a rib?:saywhat:
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Old 11-02-2004, 07:16 AM   #18
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Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between " Potentially" and "In reality"?
Dad: I will show you.

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars ?
Wife: Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity !

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Waow ! Yes !! This is my fantasy!

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars ?
Elder Son: Yeah, Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars ; but In reality" we are living with 2 sluts and 1 fag !!
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Old 11-02-2004, 05:08 PM   #19
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Pretty funny stuff!!!
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Old 11-02-2004, 05:08 PM   #20
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Pretty funny stuff!!!
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Old 12-02-2004, 06:16 AM   #21
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A man went out to the countryside after losing his Million-dollar business because his psychiatrist thought it would be a good Idea for him to go away for a while, so after a few days in the county he thought sense he had a little money left he would start a farm, So the man went out and got all the animals for his farm but, after a few days went by he noticed that his chickens weren’t laying any eggs? So he went to the neighboring Farmer and asked what the problem would be.

The Farmer asked if the man had a rooster?

The man said no.

The farmer said I have this one Rooster that will whip those hens in shape in no time but the problem is that if you don’t catch him after he’s done with the hens, the Dam thing will screw every thing in sight.

The man laughed, your kidding right?

The Farmer said No,,, I keep him locked up in this here Cage.

The Man looked and saw the Rooster bouncing off the walls in the cage and said well,,, I guess I have no choice and takes the cage with the Rooster.

The man walks into the chicken coop and says this place should hold him, so he opens up the cage and lets out the Rooster,,

Sure enough as soon as the gate opened up the Rooster Nails all 40 Hen with in 10 minutes and the Man is Justin shock by the quickness of this animal, so he tries to get the rooster back into the cage with no luck. With his last attempt he accidentally fell on the coops door opening it up and the Rooster escapes.,,, By the time the man gets on his two legs the Rooster had all ready Nailed his dog/cat/tractor/ and so on…

The Man say’s,, wow by this time tomorrow morning he will dead of exhaustion.
So knowing that he wouldn’t be able to catch the thing he went into the house to see what the morning would bring..

So that morning the went out side and look around for the Rooster but saw a few buzzards flying around off in the distance so the man walked over in that direction and saw the rooster laying on the ground motionless, The walked over to the Rooster yelling I knew you’d kill your self you Dumb ass bird.

At that time the Rooster picks his head up and says,,SSsshhhhh,,, their getting Closer.

Sorry for the long story.
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Old 12-02-2004, 11:32 PM   #22
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A woman in a supermarket buys a frozen pizza, some other frozen items and a TV meal for one. In the queue at the checkout, the man standing behind her taps her on her shoulder and says “Are you single”. The girl sheepishly smiles and replies, “How did you guess” to which the mans answers “Because you ugly”
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Old 14-02-2004, 01:42 AM   #23
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If there were 3 peices of pie on a table, then how many peices of pie were on the table?

its a trick question, if you want to know it just ask
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Old 14-02-2004, 07:24 AM   #24
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New Viruses


The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
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Old 15-02-2004, 04:19 PM   #25
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What time does Michael Jackson go to bed?
When the little hand touches the big hand.


Hey rsjrv99, 3 pieces? O.K. tell me.
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Old 15-02-2004, 10:10 PM   #26
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Q: What the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?

A: God doesn’t thing his Alex Ferguson
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Old 15-02-2004, 10:21 PM   #27
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Originally posted by Clod


Hey rsjrv99, 3 pieces? O.K. tell me.
It could range from 3 to somewhere in infinity because of the crumbs and molecules
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Old 21-02-2004, 12:46 AM   #28
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Windows Error Codes Unveiled!
WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger
WindowError:002 No error . . . yet.
WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.
WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused
WindowError:006 Malicious error. Desqview found on drive.
WindowError:007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.
WindowError:008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.
WindowError:009 Horrible bug encountered. God knows what has happened.
WindowError:00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 meg minimum.
WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed. More! More!
WindowError:00D Window closed. Do not look out.
WindowError:00E Window open, do not look in.
WindowError:00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
WindowError:015 Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
WindowError:017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
WindowError:018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
WindowError:019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!
WindowError:01A Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry.
WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error.
WindowError:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed.
WindowError:01E Timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait.
WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:020 Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost.
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Old 24-02-2004, 12:45 PM   #29
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-Isnt it true, Mr smith, that while being in your workplace you insulted your mate and par to his genealogy?
- No you Honor, i told him: "John, take care youre dumping molten lead on my back and its very unpleasant..."
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Old 24-02-2004, 02:43 PM   #30
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Billy Connelly's "14 things I hate about everybody"


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the
f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give
me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do
that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus
come yet? . If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to
be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's
an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you
don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has
to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking
McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you
alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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