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Old 05-12-2009, 11:57 AM   #1
Ozgalis
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Default Critique please

I am writing a poem for my literature class and I was just wondering what everyone thought about it, ideas are welcome.

I hear the beat of a thousand feet, the screams of a hundred beats.
The defining sound’s of this feat, like a thousand streams just beneath.
We know not the triumphant feeling, of which you deserve so rightly.

You bleed so we can live freely, in this land we take so easy
Far from home in the deserts of reality
Where you see the true colors of humanity

You walk in the place of those like me, whose life is too easy.
We know not the pain of mortality
But we grieve just as easily
We take for granted the life we live
To this I say my fallen one
We shall meet again on the other end.
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Old 05-12-2009, 07:32 PM   #2
stwert
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Very evocative. Nice work.

I'll give you a few technical crits IMHO (does that work, technical opinion?)
Anyway, sound's shouldn't have an apostrophe unless I'm reading it wrong.
'deserve so rightly' is redundant, deserving implies that it is correctly assigned (if that makes sense).
The comma after feeling (line 3) isn't necessary.
However, there should be a comma after 'To this I say' to introduce the implied speech.

Going from a thousand to a hundred (line 1) seems to lessen the impact, though you know better what you're trying to achieve with this line.

Anyway, I'm not an english major or student so feel free to disregard my comments, but those are the few things that jumped out at me after a couple reads. Again, nice work! Don't think I could write like that.
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:12 AM   #3
Ozgalis
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Hey thanks, I went back and changed some of the stuff with it and as for the deserve so rightly i just cant think of another way to end that. I dont want it to just say "of which you deserve" it just doesnt feel completed i guess, so if you have any idea on how to change that up im all ears.

Also i was going from a thousand feet and going to a hundred screams because when you get a bunch of people walking in unison it sounds like there are a lot more people then there really are which is where the hundred screams comes in.
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