Jokes Jokes Jokes

[iron_tick]

Tell your jokes here..

[iron_tick]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they
decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that
he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[iron_tick]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants
you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty
that Hard work and Knowledge will get you
close, and, Attitude will get you there,
BUT.................

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

AMEN!

[dragonfx]

Amen bro ;)

[dragonfx]

Let:
K = knowledge
P = power
M = money
T = time
W = work
Since:
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money.
Power is Work over Time.
In terms of our definitions, we have
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Substituting equation (3) into (1) yields:
K = W/T (4)
Substituting equation (2) into (4) yields:
K = W/M (5)
That is, equation (5) shows that Knowledge equals Work over Money.
Corollary 1:
The More You Know, the More Work You Do
Corollary 2:
The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
If we solve for Money in equation (5), we get:
M = W/K (6)
That is, Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
Corollary 3:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work in equation (6), we get
W = M K (7)
Or, Work equals Money times Knowledge. Equation (7) shows that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
Corollary 4:
The stupid rich do little or no work.

[iron_tick]

hehe that the life story of that Hilton girl.

[dragonfx]

The Plan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.

[iron_tick]

I got this one somewhere online..

How to Annoy Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed
for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How
long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it
like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do
you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my
sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process,
just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask
him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company
name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal
questions or questions about the company for as long as
necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi,
my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a
really husky voice) what are
you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and
surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it!
Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could
know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of
each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to
speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they
hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you
can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my
friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can?
Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood
too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal
but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh,
really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you
to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but
just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to
someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you
calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a
group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the
company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well,
see ya."

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give
you their phone number you will call them back. If they say
they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them
for their home number and tell them you will call them at
home (this is usually the most effective method of getting
rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't
really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know
how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

[iron_tick]

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?


A: Erotic is using a feather...

kinky is using the whole chicken.

[dragonfx]

This one is good...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

[rsjrv99]

Why did the chicken cross the road?:eek: :bgreen:

[vladimirjp]

i think we need better jokes (i.e. funny jokes)
good try though:D :beer:

[iron_tick]

what are you talking about? these are freaking funny as hell. Keep thm coming

[doodle]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Pherbis]

Ford and Women
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out
with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You
thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
And that's just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Pherbis]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and ar things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[R-Tillery]

One day Adam was walking a round in the Garden of Eden and realized that every animal had a loving Mate and wanted one for him self, so he asked God.

ADAM= God, for a while now I have been noticing that every Animal has a very loving and nurturing Mate, The Lion has a female who hunts for him and the Tiger has a mate that cleans him and makes him feel loved? So what do I need to do to get a Mate like that?

GOD= Well Adam A mate like that will cost you an Arm and a Leg.

ADAM=?.?.?.?.?.?.?Mmmm, Huu,,,, What can I get for a rib?:saywhat:

[twisteddragon33]

Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between " Potentially" and "In reality"?
Dad: I will show you.

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars ?
Wife: Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity !

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Waow ! Yes !! This is my fantasy!

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars ?
Elder Son: Yeah, Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars ; but In reality" we are living with 2 sluts and 1 fag !!

[strobe7]

Pretty funny stuff!!!

[strobe7]

Pretty funny stuff!!!

[R-Tillery]

A man went out to the countryside after losing his Million-dollar business because his psychiatrist thought it would be a good Idea for him to go away for a while, so after a few days in the county he thought sense he had a little money left he would start a farm, So the man went out and got all the animals for his farm but, after a few days went by he noticed that his chickens weren’t laying any eggs? So he went to the neighboring Farmer and asked what the problem would be.

The Farmer asked if the man had a rooster?

The man said no.

The farmer said I have this one Rooster that will whip those hens in shape in no time but the problem is that if you don’t catch him after he’s done with the hens, the Dam thing will screw every thing in sight.

The man laughed, your kidding right?

The Farmer said No,,, I keep him locked up in this here Cage.

The Man looked and saw the Rooster bouncing off the walls in the cage and said well,,, I guess I have no choice and takes the cage with the Rooster.

The man walks into the chicken coop and says this place should hold him, so he opens up the cage and lets out the Rooster,,

Sure enough as soon as the gate opened up the Rooster Nails all 40 Hen with in 10 minutes and the Man is Justin shock by the quickness of this animal, so he tries to get the rooster back into the cage with no luck. With his last attempt he accidentally fell on the coops door opening it up and the Rooster escapes.,,, By the time the man gets on his two legs the Rooster had all ready Nailed his dog/cat/tractor/ and so on…

The Man say’s,, wow by this time tomorrow morning he will dead of exhaustion.
So knowing that he wouldn’t be able to catch the thing he went into the house to see what the morning would bring..

So that morning the went out side and look around for the Rooster but saw a few buzzards flying around off in the distance so the man walked over in that direction and saw the rooster laying on the ground motionless, The walked over to the Rooster yelling I knew you’d kill your self you Dumb ass bird.

At that time the Rooster picks his head up and says,,SSsshhhhh,,, their getting Closer.

Sorry for the long story. ;)

[doodle]

A woman in a supermarket buys a frozen pizza, some other frozen items and a TV meal for one. In the queue at the checkout, the man standing behind her taps her on her shoulder and says “Are you single”. The girl sheepishly smiles and replies, “How did you guess” to which the mans answers “Because you ugly”

[rsjrv99]

If there were 3 peices of pie on a table, then how many peices of pie were on the table?:eek:

its a trick question, if you want to know it just ask :)

[R-Tillery]

New Viruses


The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[Clod]

What time does Michael Jackson go to bed?
When the little hand touches the big hand.


Hey rsjrv99, 3 pieces? O.K. tell me.

[doodle]

Q: What the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?

A: God doesn’t thing his Alex Ferguson

[rsjrv99]

Originally posted by Clod


Hey rsjrv99, 3 pieces? O.K. tell me.

It could range from 3 to somewhere in infinity because of the crumbs and molecules :)

[dragonfx]

Windows Error Codes Unveiled!
WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger
WindowError:002 No error . . . yet.
WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.
WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused
WindowError:006 Malicious error. Desqview found on drive.
WindowError:007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.
WindowError:008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.
WindowError:009 Horrible bug encountered. God knows what has happened.
WindowError:00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 meg minimum.
WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed. More! More!
WindowError:00D Window closed. Do not look out.
WindowError:00E Window open, do not look in.
WindowError:00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
WindowError:015 Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
WindowError:017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
WindowError:018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
WindowError:019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!
WindowError:01A Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry.
WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error.
WindowError:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed.
WindowError:01E Timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait.
WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:020 Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost.

[dragonfx]

-Isnt it true, Mr smith, that while being in your workplace you insulted your mate and par to his genealogy?
- No you Honor, i told him: "John, take care youre dumping molten lead on my back and its very unpleasant..."

[flib]

Billy Connelly's "14 things I hate about everybody"


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the
f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give
me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do
that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus
come yet? . If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to
be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's
an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you
don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has
to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking
McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you
alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[deepakrock627]

hi ,
wanna want me to say the jokes then take that....
JOKES!
hahaha

[R-Tillery]

A Minister, Priest and a Rabbi are standing around arguing about how much Money they should give to the church, the Rabbi say’s lets draw a cercal and toss the money in the air and what ever lands inside we keep for are self’s, the Priest say’s NO! What ever lands on the outside we keep for our self’s and the Minister says lets just throw the money up in the air and what ever God wants he keeps.:D

[vladimirjp]

noooooooooooo, not the old joke thread!!!!

[dragonfx]

what kind of evil lord are you that you do not see the evilness of this thread? :D

[R-Tillery]

So a baby seal walks into a club...:confused: ;)

[doodle]

Two chickens standing by the side of the road. One goes to walk, the other stop him saying: "Stop!, if you cross we'll never near the end of it"

[SilverBlood]

i didn't check to see when the last post in the thread was but i allways say keep smiling, so here's a joke from me... and there's much more when this came from :D

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man says. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! "Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, the lucky bastard landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had
a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.' The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what sort of a day you were having when you died' the angel says.

The third man says, "Alright, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . ."

[SilverBlood]

and another one :

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the husband behind the wheel.

The wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are."

Again the husband stays quiet, but speeds up as his anger increases.

"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.

Again the husband speeds up to eighty mph.

She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.

By now he's up to ninety mph. "All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," she says, "So what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the husband smiles and says,...

"The airbag."

[arneoog]

here you go people, 800 really bad jokes :D
Some of them are actually pretty funny, hehe :p
Really Bad Jokes (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/jokes1.shtml)

[pbman]

where does Saddam Hussein keep his ties?

IN I-RACK

GET IT IRAQ

[13th_resident]

first i will start of saying. "wow ppl like old threads more than i actually thought". theres nothing wrong with old threads though.

silverblood your first joke was SOOO hilarious. gosh you had me laughing. :lmao:. my mum got a bit curious on what was i laughing so hard at.. hahaha.

ok i got one

there were 3 guys who were best of friends: Mark a alcoholic, Josh a smoker and Lucas a homosexual. one day while they were all in a car having a good time then a semi truck came out of nowhere and crash there car into pieces .

of what they could figure next out they were standing in hell. of in a distance they saw satan sitting on this bloody throne. seeming that was the only way out of this one they all walked nerviously towards him. when they were just a few feet away when satan said to them. "welcome to my domain josh, lucas and mark."

they were just about to say "hi" when he caught them short. "your death was not your fault and you didnt even deserve it and for this i will give you back your lives on earth If you Josh ever smoke another cigarrette, if you Mark ever drink another beer and if you ever Lucas make love to another man you will be in hell before you know what hit you. ". before long they were stand on solid earth again.

a week later they were walking down the street chatting about old times they had together. they just walked passed the "Black Bull" (mark's favorite bar) when mark shouted
[mark]"I NEED A DRINK".

[josh and lucas]"no no dont. you will go to eternal hell if you do".

[mark] I dont care i need one.

he goes inside and they dont see him come out.

josh and lucas started talking on what happend. just then josh spots a half used cigarette on the ground.

[Josh] I NEED A PUFF!!!!!

[lucas] no no dont. you will go to eternal hell if you do".

[Josh] i dont care i so NEED one.

josh bends down. he's just about to pick it up and lucas disappears.

[mtmckinley]

this is an old one, so you guys probably heard it but whatever. :)

A pirate ship was sailing the seven seas when the man in the crow's nest yells down, "Enemy ship up ahead, Captain!"

The captain looks to his first mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate wonders why the captain would want to worry about what he's wearing now, right before they're about to go into battle, but he figures, fine and goes and gets the captain his red shirt. The captain puts it on and they go into battle.

The battle was long and bloody, but the captain led his men bravely and they took the ship without losing one man.

A week later, the man in the crow's nest yells down, "Enemy ship up ahead, Captain!"

The captain again looks to his first mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate runs and grabs the red shirt, thinking that it worked last time, might as well play along. Sure enough, after the captain puts on the shirt, they are able to take the ship without losing anyone!

Finally the first mate asks the captain, "Sir, why did you ask for your red shirt before we go into battle?"

The captain replies, "In case I'm ever shot or wounded, the men won't see the blood and they will continue to fight for me!"

Just then the man in the crow's nest yells down, "Captain, there's an entire FLEET of enemy ships up ahead and closing in fast!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants..."

:)

[vladimirjp]

lmao . haha good one.
:p

[SilverBlood]

not really a joke, morethe simple truth :

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

[SilverBlood]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!


There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of
her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[13th_resident]

there were 2 brothers who always got in trouble, never did there homework and always late for school and goofoffs.
so the teacher decided for them to go to the local baptist church.

soon they were both sitting in church waiting there for father John.

when he finally came he said. "i would like to speak with the older brother first. will he rise?".
one of them stood up. father told him to come and sit next to him. when he did father asked.

"son do you know where god is"? the little boy froze but said nothing.
again he asked "son do you know where god is"?. the little boy freaked out but still remained in his chair.
again he asked. " for heavens sake my son, do you know where God is."
the boy chould take it any longer. he got of his chair ran past his friend, out of the church, through the
park all the way home. his brother went after him. when they got home, the older one, still running, went upstairs
to his room and went under his bed. the younger one still went after him.

"why did you run away"?? the younger said.

"God is hiding and the father thinks we have him".

[gster123]

Think this one'sa bit of an urban legend but here goes :-

A woman went into the local supermarket and bought two instant barbeques.

The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside as suggested by the picture on the front (the picture showed food cooking on the BBQ).

The assistant told her that these were just the actual barbeques for cooking on and that there was no food inside.

"Oh dear" said the woman. "I'd better take the other one out of the freezer then"!

[MattTheMan]

this one is really funny too

Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[pbman]

MAT THEMAN thats a good 1

heres 1 soz bout the wording of it

A man walks into a bar ................. OUCH!!
(i couldnt resist)

A man walks into a bar with a peach for a head
the bar tender asks him y he hasa peach for a head
the man explains....
'well i found this lamp and i rubbed it an a genie came out and said
i can grant u 3 wishes but be warned they often go wrong

the man goes OK and wishes for a porsche and the wish comes true
he then wishes for a million pounds and the wish comes true
finally he says "i wish to have a peach as a head"
..and it came true

second joke

another man finds a genie and says what eva u wish for ur wife will get doube the says ok

1) i wish for a new house - he gets it an his wife gets 2
2) i wish for a ferrari - he gets its and his wife gets 2
3) i wish to beaten half to death

[gster123]

A chimp walks into a bar and aske the barman for a pint of lager, the barman looks starled by the talking chimp, but thinks hey what the heck i'll serve him and pulls the chimp a pint of lager.

He hands the pint to the chimp and says £5.50 please, the chimp hands over the money. The bramans curiosity gets the better of him and hes has to find out how the chimp can talk so he says "You know we dont get that many talksing chimps in here.."

The chimp looks at the barman startled and replys "At £5.50 a pint i'm not bloody suprised!"

[Jay]

Too tame...

3 guys are sitting in a hotel bar bragging about how many times a night they can each make love to their girlfriends for. All three trying to out do one another


'Twice' says the first guy,
'Three' times says the second guy
'5' says the third guy.

In the end the 2nd guy says, 'right tonite you gotta go for it. Make love to your girlfriend like you've never done before and in the morning over breakfast we'll see who the winner is.

They all agree, but the first guy says how will we tell each other when the girls are with us at breakfast?

They ponder, then the third guy says, 'We'll do it in code, when we order slices of toast, if you do it twice in one nite thats 2 toasts and so on...

Excellent, they all finish their drinks and head off to bed for a nite of hot sex with their girlfriends.

The next morning they arrive for breakfast with their girlfriends and the waiter comes to take the orders.

The first guy orders looking quite pleased with himself, 'I'd like 3 slices of toast please!'

The two others nod in respect at him

The second guy orders looking rather pleased as well, ' I'd like 4 slices of toast please!'

Again the other two node their appreciation

The waiter turns to the third guy who is sitting looking very smarmy indeed and very pleased with himself , 'I'd like 7 slices of toast please....'

The two reamaining guys look on at him completely stunned

Third guy continues ' that will be 3 brown and 4 white please!'



:bandit:

Cheers
Jay

[13th_resident]

to good jay :bandit:



late on night there was an old bum on a bus with no money and no family. he scraped all his cents that he found to get a bus ticket back to his shack.
while just keeping to himself, the bus stopped to pick up a passenger. "who would be getting on a bus at this time of night" he thought.
the passenger was a beautiful and a very sexy blonde. he just couldn’t keep his eyes of her. "ooohhh i hope she gets off the same stop as mine" he thought to himself. he was just nearing the place where he was to get off
when the blonde pushed the stop button. "oh damn she's getting of earlier than me but....... I GOTTA GO SEE WHERE SHE'S GOING".
immediately he stood up and went after her. just when he's about to get off the bus driver whispered to him. "i know where shes off to." "Really, tell me sir". "well every other night at 1:40am she goes to her moms grave to morn and pray for her soul". "okay thanks for the info".
quietly he follows her, and the bus driver was true when she got to the grave she sat on her knees, hands together and prayed. "dear mother
its has been a very difficult life for me since you died, i lost my job, no cash in my pockets and iam still a virgin. So would you send an angel from God to relief me of my pain.
"thats it i got it" he said to himself.
he ran as fast has he could to the nearest store bought a 2 dollar angel costume.
when he came back she was still praying. oh just my luck he thought.
he sneaked around her till he was behind the grave. then stood up on top and said in a very formal deep commanding voice. "iam the angel sent from your dear mother
to release the pain which art in thy heart." "oh mother i knew you'd answer me". soon or later he never felt better in his life. i wished i did this when i
was 15. a few hours past and he though he'd better get back to his shack. but thought of a very nasty little trick he could do to humiliate her.
he stood up shredded all his cloths off and said laughing real hard "haha fooled you iam just a bum on a bus". then the blonde stood up took of her clothes. and said "haha
fooled you i'm the bus driver".

[gster123]

The jokes were tame cos I didn't want to offend!!

Oh well,

How do accountants deal with constipation??

They work it out with a pencil.


Whats the difference between Bono (from U2) and god??

God dosen't walk round Dublin thinking he's Bono!

[arran]

Ha ha - Good one gster123.

Ok, don't know if this one has already been posted.

A man walks into a bar and puts down a small bag. He says to the barman, 'If I show you something amazing will you give me a pint?' The barman says 'sure', so the man pulls out of the bag a small piano, stool and a 12 inch man wearing a top hat who promptly sits down and plays a few bars of Beethoven.

'That's amazing!' says the barman pulling the man a pint. 'Where did you find him?'

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. 'Rub the lamp!'

The barman rubs the lamp and out pops an old genie who says: 'I grant you one wish!'

'I want a million bucks' says the barman and two seconds later the bar doors swing open and in waddle a million ducks. 'I said bucks, NOT DUCKS!' shouts the barman over the quacking.

The man at the bar looks at the barman and says, 'you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?'

[MattTheMan]

haha! funny one Gster and Arran :D ;)

[pbman]

top notch arran :lmao:

[pbman]

i have to put this in as it just got voted worlds funniest joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

i thinks its good but not the best:lmao:
have a look here to see what countries found wat funniest
click me (http://icwales.icnetwork.co.uk/0100news/0600uk/page.cfm?objectid=12251019&method=full&siteid=50082)

[SilverBlood]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my

family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact,
the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation
and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
I'll do the f**king dishes!"

[Milarky]

classic guilotine joke which i convenantly animated in flashbu will also tell here in words as some people have problem listen to my sound.


English Irish and Scots men in a line to get taken to guilotine for whatever crimes

English man coes up and lies face up to see god when he dies
as the gillotine is realsed theres a BIG OOOO but the blade gets stuck!
the law of the gillotine states if this happens the prisoner can go free!

Scots Man goes next! againhe prays to his god the blade falls and get stuck! the crowd is dissopointed but the scots man goes free too.

The Irish man is next up be he trys to escape kicking and screaming! im not going on that guillotine untill its FIXED!

see my moive here:-
http://newgrounds.com/portal/view/314045

meh deviant art is down so you have to see it on newgrounds

[Average Joe]

HAHAHAHA
They are so awesome!!
I don't have any good ones though :(

[gster123]

The Singer Sophie Ellis Bextor had been found murdered in a Paris apartment, she apprantly had been headbutted to death, the police have just confirmed that it was "Murder on Zidane's floor"

[relikz]

this thread is old but it sure rocks lol

[13th_resident]

then post us some of your jokes...

[SilverBlood]

jo people... don't let this thread die again...... we're here to amuse the crowd.. so i shouldn't be the only one posting stuff....

Ok... just for the fun of it... another one by me :

THE GOOD-BYE LETTER

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.





( if it's over the top... let me know)

[MattTheMan]

im sorry man, but that's not funny... however, it does make you think

[mtmckinley]

haha nice one ;)

[arneoog]

HAHAHA!!!:lmao:
That was funny!

[SilverBlood]

i know it's funny... but u also have to bring in some laughs......

[13th_resident]

this one left me thinking and a few chuckles. but i liked it.

[arneoog]

Okay, here's one :D

A man went out to get the mail, when he saw the neighbour getting out of his
car which had gotten several impact marks on it.
What have happend to your car? The man asked.
Well, I drove down an old lady... The neighbour answered.
Oh, too bad. But what about all the leaves and dirt on there?
She tried to escape into the woods...

[MattTheMan]

ROFL :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :)

[pbman]

heres anothe one from me
but u need to read it out aloud to understand it

what do u call a russian with 3 balls?
whodyanickabollockoff


heres another
what do u call a woman playing pool while balancing a pint on her head?
Beartic potter


SilverBlood - 2 good ones there

[daffas]

i got a blonde joke.

here it is

Two blondes walk into walmart. you think one of them would see it.

not the best but o well

[13th_resident]

2 blonde jokes.

***

have you heard of the blonde who sold her house to pay the rent.

***

what do you call when a blond blows into another blondes ear. Brain Transfer

[severinianthony]

From here:

http://www.astro.umd.edu/~avondale/extra/Humor/ComputerHumor/PenisVsEthernet.html

__________________________________________________

Why the Ethernet (Internet, Bitnet, etc..) Is Like a Penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[SilverBlood]

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0J0: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]: sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: Eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0J0: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler[AoE]: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj paTTon
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF Eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny-tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny-tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy sh*tholysh*thoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bullsh*t u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny-tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny-tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny-tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[severinianthony]

Rofl, nice one SilverBlood ^.^

[SilverBlood]

A minister tells a joke

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

[13th_resident]

haha.. that was good silver blood. did you make it up?...

[mtmckinley]

A guy who had always not been very happy with his own lack of sense of humor and wit had a friend who was just the opposite... always had something funny to say and was considered the life of any party!

One day the unfunny guy asked his funny friend, "How did you get to be so funny?"

The funny friend said, "I go to a joke class. You should come with me and check it out."

So, they both go to the joke class. At the class, everyone who was attending sat in a big circle. A woman stood up and said, "25... 8... and then 14!"

The circle of people burst out laughing, some doubling over in tears they were laughing so much!

The unfunny guy whispered to his friend, "I don't understand. What are they laughing at?"

The funny friend answered between giggles, "Oh, well, here at the class there are only so many set ups, callbacks, and punchlines when it comes to jokes... Setup number 3 is 'a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...' for example. So, everyone here knows them all and knows what she means by the numbers."

The unfunny guy figures that this would be easy, so he decides to take a turn and stands up.

"4... 12... 20!"

Crickets... no one laughs. Sad, he sits down and whispers to his friend, "What happend?"

"Well... you didn't tell it right."

[mmoore5553]

hahhah

mtm good one lol

[SilverBlood]

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

[SilverBlood]

Could Noah build his ark today?

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

[SilverBlood]

Come on people... we have to keep this thread alive... it's great to get u through a boring day at work......

And another one by me :

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees" said Tarzan

[pbman]

silver blood thats a good one

man ive got loads of joke but i think their too riskay for here
damm!!

[dragonfx]

Lol, we use to tell the joke of the blonde and the sheperd here a lot, just substituting "counting" with "optimizing" and "blondes" with "consultants with a Business Aministration and Direction" masters...

:ninja: B.A.D.ass Masters :ninja:

[SilverBlood]

its mothers day and a rich guy is walking by a poor guy. the poor guy asks the rich guy, "what are you getting your wife for mothers day?" the rich guy says "a diamond ring and a red corvette." the poor man asked him why he got her both, the rich man responded, "so if she doesnt like the diamond ring she can drive in her red corvette and return it" and then he asked the poor man, "whatd you get your wife?" the poor man answers, "a pair of slippers and a dildo" the rich man asked him why he got her both, the poor man responded, "so if she doesnt like the slippers she can go *#&@)! herself"

[13th_resident]

just to keep this thread alive a tad bit longer.

a guy walks into a bar. immediately seeing a man to his left, he lifts up his arm, sticks out his finger then...bzzzzz.. hahahaha. a shock went off into the guy. since he laughed at him the man stands up. "you got a problem!!". he just ignores him a walks off to the next table. theres a group of guys smoking and playing poker. the guy comes up to a heaver better. lifts his finger and.... bzzzzzzz.... and gives a hard laugh.. hahahaha. immediately startled by the shock he dropped all of his cards.. scattering all over the table. hey you, PUNK!! what the f**ks your problem now they all know what i've got. but ignoring him aswell he walked off to another table some ways away. sticks out his finger and out gave the same bzzzzz sound. then his hard laugh. this went on for several minutes. one dude was watching it all, so he walked up and asked him.
"seriously, what is this shock thing you keep giving everyone. your lucky you didnt get into a bar fight."
but the guys sticks out his finger and buzzes him aswell. then his hard laugh.. hahahaha.
god damn it. would you quit it. i mean what the hell is wrong with you. what the hell are you???
iam an alien!! hahahahha.
yeah sure!!
really iam.
pulling down his pants and revieled that he had no dick.
christ lord. what is this... you have no penis! how do you have sex?? the other guy sticks out his finger again... bzzzz... hahahaha.

[pbman]

thats class 13th_resident

a man walks into a pub with a lump of ashfelt and says
a pint for me and one for the road

one egg goes to another 'its cold in here'
the other says ' bliemey a talking egg'




:headbang:
i appologise for my crap jokes

[R-Tillery]

Girl Who Screws Anyone

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" :lmao:

[R-Tillery]

Monkys telling jokes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOmb7l38KBs

[starjsjswars]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.


The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[starjsjswars]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

[Some Guy]

I don't know if this has been told yet,

Three blondes decide to rob a bank. They get in, grab the money and run away. Some security guards start chasing them and they hide in the nearest shop . in the shop there are three bags. One full of dogs, one full of cats and one full of potatoes.
They hide in one each. The guard walks in and sees the containers.
He pokes the first one and the blonde says "Bark, bark, bark".
Then he pokes the second one and the blonde says "Meow, Meow, Meow". He pokes the last one and the blonde says"Potatoe, Potatoe, Potatoe"