Jokes Jokes Jokes
 

Tell your jokes here..

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they
decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that
he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants
you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty
that Hard work and Knowledge will get you
close, and, Attitude will get you there,
BUT.................

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

AMEN!

Amen bro ;)

Let:
K = knowledge
P = power
M = money
T = time
W = work
Since:
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money.
Power is Work over Time.
In terms of our definitions, we have
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Substituting equation (3) into (1) yields:
K = W/T (4)
Substituting equation (2) into (4) yields:
K = W/M (5)
That is, equation (5) shows that Knowledge equals Work over Money.
Corollary 1:
The More You Know, the More Work You Do
Corollary 2:
The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
If we solve for Money in equation (5), we get:
M = W/K (6)
That is, Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
Corollary 3:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work in equation (6), we get
W = M K (7)
Or, Work equals Money times Knowledge. Equation (7) shows that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
Corollary 4:
The stupid rich do little or no work.

hehe that the life story of that Hilton girl.

The Plan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.

I got this one somewhere online..

How to Annoy Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed
for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How
long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it
like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do
you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my
sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process,
just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask
him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company
name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal
questions or questions about the company for as long as
necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi,
my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a
really husky voice) what are
you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and
surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it!
Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could
know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of
each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to
speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they
hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you
can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my
friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can?
Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood
too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal
but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh,
really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you
to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but
just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to
someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you
calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a
group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the
company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well,
see ya."

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give
you their phone number you will call them back. If they say
they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them
for their home number and tell them you will call them at
home (this is usually the most effective method of getting
rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't
really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know
how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?


A: Erotic is using a feather...

kinky is using the whole chicken.

This one is good...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

Why did the chicken cross the road?:eek: :bgreen:

i think we need better jokes (i.e. funny jokes)
good try though:D :beer:

what are you talking about? these are freaking funny as hell. Keep thm coming

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Ford and Women
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out
with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You
thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
And that's just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and ar things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

One day Adam was walking a round in the Garden of Eden and realized that every animal had a loving Mate and wanted one for him self, so he asked God.

ADAM= God, for a while now I have been noticing that every Animal has a very loving and nurturing Mate, The Lion has a female who hunts for him and the Tiger has a mate that cleans him and makes him feel loved? So what do I need to do to get a Mate like that?

GOD= Well Adam A mate like that will cost you an Arm and a Leg.

ADAM=?.?.?.?.?.?.?Mmmm, Huu,,,, What can I get for a rib?:saywhat:

Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between " Potentially" and "In reality"?
Dad: I will show you.

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars ?
Wife: Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity !

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Waow ! Yes !! This is my fantasy!

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars ?
Elder Son: Yeah, Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars ; but In reality" we are living with 2 sluts and 1 fag !!

Pretty funny stuff!!!

Pretty funny stuff!!!

A man went out to the countryside after losing his Million-dollar business because his psychiatrist thought it would be a good Idea for him to go away for a while, so after a few days in the county he thought sense he had a little money left he would start a farm, So the man went out and got all the animals for his farm but, after a few days went by he noticed that his chickens weren’t laying any eggs? So he went to the neighboring Farmer and asked what the problem would be.

The Farmer asked if the man had a rooster?

The man said no.

The farmer said I have this one Rooster that will whip those hens in shape in no time but the problem is that if you don’t catch him after he’s done with the hens, the Dam thing will screw every thing in sight.

The man laughed, your kidding right?

The Farmer said No,,, I keep him locked up in this here Cage.

The Man looked and saw the Rooster bouncing off the walls in the cage and said well,,, I guess I have no choice and takes the cage with the Rooster.

The man walks into the chicken coop and says this place should hold him, so he opens up the cage and lets out the Rooster,,

Sure enough as soon as the gate opened up the Rooster Nails all 40 Hen with in 10 minutes and the Man is Justin shock by the quickness of this animal, so he tries to get the rooster back into the cage with no luck. With his last attempt he accidentally fell on the coops door opening it up and the Rooster escapes.,,, By the time the man gets on his two legs the Rooster had all ready Nailed his dog/cat/tractor/ and so on…

The Man say’s,, wow by this time tomorrow morning he will dead of exhaustion.
So knowing that he wouldn’t be able to catch the thing he went into the house to see what the morning would bring..

So that morning the went out side and look around for the Rooster but saw a few buzzards flying around off in the distance so the man walked over in that direction and saw the rooster laying on the ground motionless, The walked over to the Rooster yelling I knew you’d kill your self you Dumb ass bird.

At that time the Rooster picks his head up and says,,SSsshhhhh,,, their getting Closer.

Sorry for the long story. ;)

A woman in a supermarket buys a frozen pizza, some other frozen items and a TV meal for one. In the queue at the checkout, the man standing behind her taps her on her shoulder and says “Are you single”. The girl sheepishly smiles and replies, “How did you guess” to which the mans answers “Because you ugly”

If there were 3 peices of pie on a table, then how many peices of pie were on the table?:eek:

its a trick question, if you want to know it just ask :)

New Viruses


The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

What time does Michael Jackson go to bed?
When the little hand touches the big hand.


Hey rsjrv99, 3 pieces? O.K. tell me.

Q: What the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?

A: God doesn’t thing his Alex Ferguson

It could range from 3 to somewhere in infinity because of the crumbs and molecules :)

Windows Error Codes Unveiled!
WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger
WindowError:002 No error . . . yet.
WindowError:003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.
WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.
WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused
WindowError:006 Malicious error. Desqview found on drive.
WindowError:007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.
WindowError:008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.
WindowError:009 Horrible bug encountered. God knows what has happened.
WindowError:00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.
WindowError:00B Inadequate disk space. Need 50 meg minimum.
WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed. More! More!
WindowError:00D Window closed. Do not look out.
WindowError:00E Window open, do not look in.
WindowError:00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
WindowError:015 Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
WindowError:017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
WindowError:018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
WindowError:019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!
WindowError:01A Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry.
WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error.
WindowError:01C Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WindowError:01D Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed.
WindowError:01E Timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait.
WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes
WindowError:020 Error recording error codes. Remaining errors lost.

-Isnt it true, Mr smith, that while being in your workplace you insulted your mate and par to his genealogy?
- No you Honor, i told him: "John, take care youre dumping molten lead on my back and its very unpleasant..."

Billy Connelly's "14 things I hate about everybody"


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the
f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give
me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do
that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus
come yet? . If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to
be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's
an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you
don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has
to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking
McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you
alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

hi ,
wanna want me to say the jokes then take that....
JOKES!
hahaha

A Minister, Priest and a Rabbi are standing around arguing about how much Money they should give to the church, the Rabbi say’s lets draw a cercal and toss the money in the air and what ever lands inside we keep for are self’s, the Priest say’s NO! What ever lands on the outside we keep for our self’s and the Minister says lets just throw the money up in the air and what ever God wants he keeps.:D

noooooooooooo, not the old joke thread!!!!

what kind of evil lord are you that you do not see the evilness of this thread? :D

So a baby seal walks into a club...:confused: ;)

Two chickens standing by the side of the road. One goes to walk, the other stop him saying: "Stop!, if you cross we'll never near the end of it"

i didn't check to see when the last post in the thread was but i allways say keep smiling, so here's a joke from me... and there's much more when this came from :D

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man says. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! "Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, the lucky bastard landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had
a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.' The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what sort of a day you were having when you died' the angel says.

The third man says, "Alright, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . ."

and another one :

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the husband behind the wheel.

The wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are."

Again the husband stays quiet, but speeds up as his anger increases.

"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.

Again the husband speeds up to eighty mph.

She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.

By now he's up to ninety mph. "All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," she says, "So what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the husband smiles and says,...

"The airbag."

here you go people, 800 really bad jokes :D
Some of them are actually pretty funny, hehe :p
Really Bad Jokes

where does Saddam Hussein keep his ties?

IN I-RACK

GET IT IRAQ