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Old 10-02-2004, 05:18 PM   #1
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Tell your jokes here..
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And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.

--TOOL, 10,000 Days---

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Old 10-02-2004, 05:19 PM   #2
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they
decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that
he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
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And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.

--TOOL, 10,000 Days---

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Old 10-02-2004, 05:21 PM   #3
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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants
you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty
that Hard work and Knowledge will get you
close, and, Attitude will get you there,
BUT.................

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

AMEN!
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And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.

--TOOL, 10,000 Days---

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Old 10-02-2004, 05:32 PM   #4
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Amen bro
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Old 10-02-2004, 05:38 PM   #5
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Let:
K = knowledge
P = power
M = money
T = time
W = work
Since:
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money.
Power is Work over Time.
In terms of our definitions, we have
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Substituting equation (3) into (1) yields:
K = W/T (4)
Substituting equation (2) into (4) yields:
K = W/M (5)
That is, equation (5) shows that Knowledge equals Work over Money.
Corollary 1:
The More You Know, the More Work You Do
Corollary 2:
The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
If we solve for Money in equation (5), we get:
M = W/K (6)
That is, Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
Corollary 3:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work in equation (6), we get
W = M K (7)
Or, Work equals Money times Knowledge. Equation (7) shows that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
Corollary 4:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
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Old 10-02-2004, 05:44 PM   #6
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hehe that the life story of that Hilton girl.
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And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.

--TOOL, 10,000 Days---

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Old 10-02-2004, 05:48 PM   #7
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The Plan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.
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Old 10-02-2004, 05:54 PM   #8
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I got this one somewhere online..

How to Annoy Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed
for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How
long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it
like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do
you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my
sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process,
just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask
him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company
name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal
questions or questions about the company for as long as
necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi,
my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a
really husky voice) what are
you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and
surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it!
Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could
know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of
each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to
speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they
hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you
can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my
friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can?
Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood
too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal
but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh,
really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you
to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but
just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to
someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you
calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a
group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the
company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well,
see ya."

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give
you their phone number you will call them back. If they say
they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them
for their home number and tell them you will call them at
home (this is usually the most effective method of getting
rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't
really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know
how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
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And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.

--TOOL, 10,000 Days---

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Old 10-02-2004, 06:04 PM   #9
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Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?


A: Erotic is using a feather...

kinky is using the whole chicken.
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And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.

--TOOL, 10,000 Days---

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Old 10-02-2004, 06:10 PM   #10
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This one is good...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
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Old 10-02-2004, 06:38 PM   #11
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Why did the chicken cross the road? :bgreen:
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Old 10-02-2004, 07:02 PM   #12
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i think we need better jokes (i.e. funny jokes)
good try though
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Old 10-02-2004, 08:49 PM   #13
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what are you talking about? these are freaking funny as hell. Keep thm coming
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And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.

--TOOL, 10,000 Days---

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Old 10-02-2004, 09:13 PM   #14
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
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Old 10-02-2004, 10:45 PM   #15
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Ford and Women
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out
with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You
thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
And that's just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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