SimplyMaya Forums

Welcome to the forum, feel free to ask questions here.

Home / forum / Lounges / Members Lounge / Jokes Jokes Jokes
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Mark Forums Read

New Thread
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-09-2006, 05:11 PM   #76
SilverBlood
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 130
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default Just thought it was funny... but then again.. i'm a gamer

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0J0: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]: sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: Eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0J0: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler[AoE]: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj paTTon
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF Eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny-tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny-tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy sh*tholysh*thoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bullsh*t u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny-tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny-tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny-tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*
__________________
01001011011101010111011101100101011001010110101101 10010101100101
SilverBlood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2006, 03:27 AM   #77
severinianthony
Registered User
 
severinianthony's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 513
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Rofl, nice one SilverBlood ^.^
__________________
severinianthony is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28-09-2006, 09:13 AM   #78
SilverBlood
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 130
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default come on people... don't let this thread die.....

A minister tells a joke

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
__________________
01001011011101010111011101100101011001010110101101 10010101100101
SilverBlood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30-09-2006, 09:57 AM   #79
13th_resident
Subscriber
 
13th_resident's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: London
Posts: 703
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

haha.. that was good silver blood. did you make it up?...
__________________
A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice!!
13th_resident is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30-09-2006, 11:28 AM   #80
mtmckinley
The Maya Mountain
 
mtmckinley's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 8,245
Thanks: 1
Thanked 25 Times in 25 Posts
Default

A guy who had always not been very happy with his own lack of sense of humor and wit had a friend who was just the opposite... always had something funny to say and was considered the life of any party!

One day the unfunny guy asked his funny friend, "How did you get to be so funny?"

The funny friend said, "I go to a joke class. You should come with me and check it out."

So, they both go to the joke class. At the class, everyone who was attending sat in a big circle. A woman stood up and said, "25... 8... and then 14!"

The circle of people burst out laughing, some doubling over in tears they were laughing so much!

The unfunny guy whispered to his friend, "I don't understand. What are they laughing at?"

The funny friend answered between giggles, "Oh, well, here at the class there are only so many set ups, callbacks, and punchlines when it comes to jokes... Setup number 3 is 'a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...' for example. So, everyone here knows them all and knows what she means by the numbers."

The unfunny guy figures that this would be easy, so he decides to take a turn and stands up.

"4... 12... 20!"

Crickets... no one laughs. Sad, he sits down and whispers to his friend, "What happend?"

"Well... you didn't tell it right."
__________________
-Mike
www.mtmckinley.net
The Maya Toolbelt
mtmckinley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30-09-2006, 11:49 AM   #81
mmoore5553
Subscriber
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,043
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Default

hahhah

mtm good one lol
mmoore5553 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30-09-2006, 06:21 PM   #82
SilverBlood
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 130
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default just to keep the thread alive..... i shouldn't be the only one to post good jokes tho

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
__________________
01001011011101010111011101100101011001010110101101 10010101100101
SilverBlood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30-09-2006, 06:23 PM   #83
SilverBlood
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 130
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default and another one...... just to keep u guys happy :D

Could Noah build his ark today?

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
__________________
01001011011101010111011101100101011001010110101101 10010101100101
SilverBlood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-10-2006, 09:51 AM   #84
SilverBlood
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 130
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Come on people... we have to keep this thread alive... it's great to get u through a boring day at work......

And another one by me :

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees" said Tarzan
__________________
01001011011101010111011101100101011001010110101101 10010101100101
SilverBlood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-10-2006, 01:06 PM   #85
pbman
Subscriber
 
pbman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,135
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

silver blood thats a good one

man ive got loads of joke but i think their too riskay for here
damm!!
__________________
Now at SMU doing BSc 3D Computer Animation so its hard to get on here
My wire render tut http://forum.simplymaya.com/showthre...threadid=20973
pbman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-10-2006, 06:13 PM   #86
dragonfx
Registered User
 
dragonfx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,257
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default Re: just to keep the thread alive..... i shouldn't be the only one to post good jokes

Lol, we use to tell the joke of the blonde and the sheperd here a lot, just substituting "counting" with "optimizing" and "blondes" with "consultants with a Business Aministration and Direction" masters...

B.A.D.ass Masters

Last edited by dragonfx : 16-10-2006 at 06:17 PM.
dragonfx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25-10-2006, 12:05 PM   #87
SilverBlood
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 130
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default Why oh Why am i the only one posting here?

its mothers day and a rich guy is walking by a poor guy. the poor guy asks the rich guy, "what are you getting your wife for mothers day?" the rich guy says "a diamond ring and a red corvette." the poor man asked him why he got her both, the rich man responded, "so if she doesnt like the diamond ring she can drive in her red corvette and return it" and then he asked the poor man, "whatd you get your wife?" the poor man answers, "a pair of slippers and a dildo" the rich man asked him why he got her both, the poor man responded, "so if she doesnt like the slippers she can go *#&@)! herself"
__________________
01001011011101010111011101100101011001010110101101 10010101100101
SilverBlood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25-10-2006, 01:56 PM   #88
13th_resident
Subscriber
 
13th_resident's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: London
Posts: 703
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

just to keep this thread alive a tad bit longer.

a guy walks into a bar. immediately seeing a man to his left, he lifts up his arm, sticks out his finger then...bzzzzz.. hahahaha. a shock went off into the guy. since he laughed at him the man stands up. "you got a problem!!". he just ignores him a walks off to the next table. theres a group of guys smoking and playing poker. the guy comes up to a heaver better. lifts his finger and.... bzzzzzzz.... and gives a hard laugh.. hahahaha. immediately startled by the shock he dropped all of his cards.. scattering all over the table. hey you, PUNK!! what the f**ks your problem now they all know what i've got. but ignoring him aswell he walked off to another table some ways away. sticks out his finger and out gave the same bzzzzz sound. then his hard laugh. this went on for several minutes. one dude was watching it all, so he walked up and asked him.
"seriously, what is this shock thing you keep giving everyone. your lucky you didnt get into a bar fight."
but the guys sticks out his finger and buzzes him aswell. then his hard laugh.. hahahaha.
god damn it. would you quit it. i mean what the hell is wrong with you. what the hell are you???
iam an alien!! hahahahha.
yeah sure!!
really iam.
pulling down his pants and revieled that he had no dick.
christ lord. what is this... you have no penis! how do you have sex?? the other guy sticks out his finger again... bzzzz... hahahaha.
__________________
A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice!!
13th_resident is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25-10-2006, 05:50 PM   #89
pbman
Subscriber
 
pbman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,135
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

thats class 13th_resident

a man walks into a pub with a lump of ashfelt and says
a pint for me and one for the road

one egg goes to another 'its cold in here'
the other says ' bliemey a talking egg'




:headbang:
i appologise for my crap jokes
__________________
Now at SMU doing BSc 3D Computer Animation so its hard to get on here
My wire render tut http://forum.simplymaya.com/showthre...threadid=20973
pbman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-11-2006, 05:29 AM   #90
R-Tillery
Subscriber
 
R-Tillery's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ventura California
Posts: 966
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Girl Who Screws Anyone

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" :lmao:
R-Tillery is offline   Reply With Quote
New Thread

« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

1 Month

$34

Month-to-month billing
$34/month
Unlimited access to all videos
Project files to download
Easy to cancel at anytime
 
 

3 months

$87

Billing every 3 months
$29/month
Unlimited access to all videos
Project files to download
Easy to cancel at anytime
Save $5 per month or $15 in total compared to monthly billing with this package.

12 months

$288

Billing every 12 months
$24/month
Unlimited access to all videos
Project files to download
Easy to cancel at anytime
Save $10 per month or $120 in total compared to monthly billing with this package.

Your plan will automatically renew. You can cancel at any time via your PayPal account to avoid being charged again.

You can view the FAQ on our video plans here. You can contact us directly here. By clicking one of the buttons above, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy.